Koi-Seuss

Shush someone in a theater, get stabbed in the neck…

Veron — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 16:44:28 +0000

WITH A MEAT THERMOMETER.

http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2010/03/movie-shushing-incident-leads-to-meat-thermometer-stabbing

People are preposterous.

But more importantly, bunnies and awesome music.

The Unimportant Importance of Movies

Veron — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 18:06:55 +0000

What are movies? Why do we commit so much energy toward them? How can movie critics get away with describing pictures on a screen as “life-altering”. Why is there a 3-d version of “Avatar: The Porno” coming direct to a dvd hopefully not near you? Who decided that it was necessary to call a theater and ask “What the hell is ‘real-d 3-d’, and do you have any screens playing just the regular smegular version?”. When did a sign reading “3-d glasses are usually washed between showings” become reasonable justification to calmly put possibly unclean glasses on your face and not freak out and have a germ attack and start spraying strangers around you with disinfectant?

I didn’t mean for this to become a tirade against the 3-d phenomenon. Maybe I should get to the point.

THESE QUESTIONS ARE NOT ANSWERABLE. Movies dictate modern life, take it or leave it. But thanks to the useless wonders of the internet I have been given the opportunity to perpetuate the problem miraculous reality.

All of this information is completely unreliable. Half thanks to the fact that I’m too lazy to look up the links.

1) HAROLD AND THE PURPLE CRAYON IS BEING MADE INTO A MOVIE. I might be excited, if I didn’t feel like someone was taking a poop on my childhood. The good news is that it’s going to be entirely animated. Although I doubt it’ll be 2-d animation (fucking 3-d). But the guy who wrote the third Shrek movie is going to write the script. I’m pretty sure that Shrek gets on my nerves, so this news does nothing for me. BUT, optimism is key! Right? …Right?

2) Ben Stiller is making a sequel to Zoolander. Milla Jovovich probably won’t be in it, and therefore I will have no reason to tolerate it.

3) ALFONSO CUARON DIRECTED THE LITTLE PRINCESS. Okay, so this news is almost 2 decades late, but I didn’t know. So it excited me. I wanted to share the news, being that both Alfonso Cuaron and the movie The Little Princess are the sauce.

4) Will Smith is trying to remake a Hitchcock movie. I don’t which one, more half assed internet research is required, but I’m pretty sure that this will result in the speedy implosion of the universe, so can someone get on preventing that? Thanks.

5) And lastly, having nothing really to do with anything, other than it made me giggle and is followed up by an ad for a blender that I really frickin’ want, here is a list of 7 Actors who are routinely typecast with bizarre specificity.

http://www.cracked.com/article_18436_7-actors-typecast-in-bizarrely-specific-roles.html

Happy Valentine’s Day From Koi-Seuss

Penelope — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 15:30:01 +0000

We’re bring’n the sexy Koi-Seuss style. Can you dig it?

Artist: Portishead

Song: Glory Box

Commentary:

I watched this video for the first time in presenting it to you and I must say, I have no clue what the story here is. Androgynous people give meaningful glances to one another at a newspaper office. Then, DANCE SCENE! The song is sexy anyway. Just shield your precious eyes.

Artist: Sade

Song: No Ordinary Love

Commentary: Koi-Seuss does not endorse mammalian-fish relations. However, Koi-Seuss DOES endorse ordering saltwater at a redneck truck-stop diner while wearing an avant-garde wedding gown.

Artists: Nine Inch Nails and 50 Cent

Song: Closer In Da Club

Commentary: I wanna fuck you like an animal. I’m into having sex; I ain’t into make’n love. I wanna feel you from the inside. So come give me a hug if you’re into get’n rubbed.

And who says romance is dead?

Artist: Kate Bush

Song: The Sensual World

Commentary: I don’t know how she does those dance moves without laughing. Believe me, I’ve tried. Maybe it’s just one of those things that you have to be at the center of an inferno to accomplish.

Artists: Bob Dylan and Emmylou Harris

Song: One More Cup of Coffee

Commentary: Sorry, Emmylou. I know you don’t like this one but it’s probably one of the best love songs ever recorded. Objectively.

Artist: A Perfect Circle

Song: Three Libras

Commentary: It’s that age-old love story of a little boy with a sailboat who meets a rock star in a hotel lobby. And then things start to get a little Eyes Wide Shut.

Artist: Leonard Cohen

Song: Hallelujah

Commentary: Love is not a cry that you hear at night. It’s not somebody who’s seen the light. It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah.

It doesn’t get any better than these lyrics.

Artist: Electric Six

Song: Danger! High Voltage

Commentary: Because someone has obviously been putting Taco Bell to uses that it was not originally intended for.

Artist: Lionel Richie

Song: Hello

Commentary: HOW COULD I RESIST????????

Dear Mitch Stewart

Penelope — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 19:10:59 +0000

Hi there, Mitch. Can I call you Mitch? It’s me, Pen. Thus far we have had a very one-sided relationship. You send me propaganda emails. I delete them. And then the cycle renews its self.

I mean, I support health care reform just as fervently as the next fat ass American but it’s the way you preach to me, proverbial the choir, that has me running for the Narthex. Your emails are rife with buzz words and hoopla and dare I say it– flim flam. You sir, are a white-collar snake oil man. Please stop spouting the wonders of your wares. You know that your ointment can’t regrow limbs. I know that your ointment can’t regrow limbs. You know that I know that your ointment can’t regrow limbs. Let’s just call a bucket of gauze, a bucket of gauze. It will save you the trouble of coming up with a rhyme for “courageous” and spare me the agony of retching over the pungent aroma of your party’s otherwise ok ointment.

Grace Jones and Pavarotti Duet

Penelope — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 19:56:19 +0000

My only question is– When’s the wedding?

Not between the two of them. Both of them with me.

Another Koi-Seuss Salute

Penelope — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 18:01:43 +0000

And this one goes out to the last man in Britain who proudly sports a goatee– Peter Gabriel. His new concept album Scratch My Back includes covers of Radiohead, David Bowie, Lou Reed, Talking Heads, Arcade Fire, Randy Newman and Regina Spektor, amongst others. The second installment, I’ll Scratch Yours, will be covers of Peter Gabriel’s songs done by the aforementioned artists. I can’t freak’n wait. You can listen to select tracks from Scratch My Back on the Guardian article linked. Happy cover listening.

EDIT:

And we now interupt these messages to bring you THE WORST COVER OF RADIOHEAD’S STREET SPIRIT IMAGINABLE.

Epic.

To Veron, With Love

Penelope — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 02:08:05 +0000

You know what the deal is.

Cool New Band Alert

Penelope — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 01:39:37 +0000

The band is called “The Heavy” and this is their recent performance on Letterman. Penelope likey. (And so did Letterman. I think he almost creamed his pants.)

Also, here is their video for the song “Sixteen”.

Mark’s Quote of the Day

Penelope — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 18:31:02 +0000

S o I’ve been threatening Mark with this Koi-Seuss feature for a while now but I’ve finally decided that it needs to happen. The absurdities that come out of his mouth need to be documented for posterity. But not his posterity. We’re not having children. Someone else’s posterity.

“What would you do if you had the ability to fly? I think I would deliver mail.”

- Mark 1/28/2010

Mark Stay Still So Pen Can Use You As A Pillow.

Veron — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 01:41:07 +0000

Please.